Bothering Erik
by El loopy
Summary: One very bored author starts to boss Erik around and in a very cruel twist releases a bunch of fangirls and Mary Sues into his dungeon. Oneshot that has two chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm not picking holes in anyone in particular – if there is a target for this story it will be me. I quite often combine most of the elements I mock in this story and read some very good fanfiction with it in. Don't take it too seriously; it's just a bit of fun. **

Disclaimer: I don't own 'Phantom of the Opera'

* * *

Bothering Erik

Erik slunk through the catacombs dejectedly.

_I know. I'll go back to my lair._

He stopped bewildered. Where had THAT come from? What was the point in going back to his lair? It was destroyed and not even secret even more.

_You can rebuild it. _

But what was the point…?

_Look you. Just go back to your lair otherwise I can't write this story!_

Erik frowned. Were these his thoughts? Oh well. He shrugged and made his way back to his lair.

* * *

As he entered through the broken mirror beautiful music drifted to his ears. Completely confused as to its origin he followed the sound to see a brown haired girl in a familiar white dress sitting at his organ. 

She turned around and grinned at him.

Erik's face drained of colour.

" Christine?" he croaked.

"No," she replied. "Who's Christine? Is she someone who broke your heart? Oh you poor thing. Do you want to cry on my shoulder?"

Erik backed away a few steps, "But you look and sound just like her."

"Isn't that funny?" she smiled scarily at him. "We must be meant to be."

Erik glanced quickly around his lair, which was still totally trashed, and back to her.

"How the hell did you get down here?"

"I got lost in the corridors and found my way here. It must have been our bond that drew me to you."

Now Erik was genuinely scared – not in the fearful sense but in the '_How am I going to get rid of this nutter?'_ sense.

"So you just decided to compose some music?"

"Yes."

"Randomly."

"Yes. I am very good with music."

"Since when?"

"Well I think I must have always been but we were so poor that we couldn't afford anything musical so this was the first time I've played anything."

"The first time?"

"Yes."

"You just sat down, having never touched an instrument before and composed a master piece?"

"Yes."

"On a broken organ?"

"Yes."

"All right…" Erik took a deep breath. "Leave – NOW!"

"But sweetie…"

_Sweetie!_ "No! Get out!"

"Surely you don't mean me," murmured a sickly voice.

"Gah!" Erik jumped out of his skin as he realised the speaker was standing right next to him. "How did you sneak up on me?"

"I learnt from you Erik."

"I've never seen you before!"

"That's because of the amnesia darling." She smiled at him in a reassuring way.

"Erik, sweetie, who is this woman?" asked the girl at the organ sharply.

"I'm his wife."

Erik blinked, "Huh?"

"Well…future wife."

"Excuse me?" Erik croaked.

"Well I will be when you ask me. Not dropping any hints or anything."

"I can't believe you've been cheating on me Erik!"

Erik backed off bemused. "Who ARE you people?" he cried out.

Suddenly both women shouted "ANGST!" and burst into tears, running from the room.

"That," Erik muttered to himself, "is the last time I listen to strange echoed voices telling me to go back to my lair."

He was about to leave when a third girl entered the lair.

"Oh," she gasped, "what were the odds?"

'_They seem to be surprisingly high today'_ he thought, but said nothing.

"I'm from the future," she whispered.

_'And I'm Louis XVI'_

"That may be hard to believe."

'_I wonder if all these women have escaped at the same time and from the same place.'_

"I saw your story and knew I had to do something."

"So you travelled back in time?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"Erm…"

"Considering that according to Einstein's theory of relativity the only way to do that is to travel at the speed of light and if anyone did that the universe would collapse."

"How do you know about that? Einstein's not been born yet."

Now Erik was stumped, "I – don't – know."

"It's neither here nor there." She smiled at him. "All I know is that I love you."

"Not you too," he groaned.

The other two girls burst into the room.

"We love him more!"

"Shut up!" Erik shouted.

"But I love you Erik!" The future girl cried.

"Will you stop saying that!" he snarled. "That goes for all of you!"

Suddenly the fan girl reached up and ripped off his mask.

Erik went nuts.

"What the HELL did you do that for!?!?" He then let loose a stream of profanities, finally grabbing the girl and slamming her into the wall. "Why did you do that?" he hissed dangerously.

The fan girl was widening her eyes and pretending to look scared – but Erik could tell that she clearly wasn't, for some unearthly reason.

"Because," she crooned, "We are now really close and you're about to kiss me."

Erik blinked, "Huh?"

"You have me pressed against the wall."

"Actually I've thrown you against the wall. If you hadn't noticed your feet aren't touching the floor."

She sighed, "Isn't it romantic?"

Erik scowled at her, "You know what? I really feel like killing you."

She gulped and gave him a shaky smile – rather unnerved that they weren't kissing yet.

"Good thing that you don't kill women, hey?"

"For you I'd be willing to make an exception," he growled.

"Really!" she exclaimed, her face lighting up, "I'm that special to you?"

"Gah!" Erik dropped her and walked off in disgust.

* * *

**It was too long so I had to split it into two. I'll put part two up shortly. Tell me what you think :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the reviews although for some randomly bizarre reason my email is not recieving them. I don't know why...oh well, let me know what you think and I'll just have to keep loging in to find out :)**

* * *

He stalked up the corridors and into the burnt out opera house…except it wasn't burnt out. It was fully restored and there was a masked ball in full swing. 

"What the…how did they rebuild it so fast?"

He didn't have much time to ponder this as he was quickly grabbed and pulled onto the dance floor.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Tantaricia." She gasped. "You must be THE Phantom of the opera!"

"Gee, did the mask give it away?"

"Did you just say 'gee'?"

Erik looked disconcerted, "No…"

"I can't believe we ended up dancing together. What a coincidence!"

"You walked over to me! You knew who I was!"

He realised that girls surrounded him and many of them were arguing who was going to dance with him next. Over this rumble of arguments he heard raised voices and struggled out of their grasp, heading towards the noise.

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

"How could you abandon Erik like that Christine?"

Christine stared in bewilderment at the girl who had 'kidnapped' both her and Raoul and brought them back to the Opera house and then proceeded to berate them.

"Who?"

"The Phantom!" she wailed. "How could you leave him?"

Christine frowned, "Wasn't him killing people enough?"

"You should get back together with him."

Christine opened and closed her mouth. "But…I don't love him."

"Yes you do, really, deep, deep, down."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"Stuff that," a second fan girl popped up from amongst the dancers, "Erik should get together with Meg."

"Who?" Erik asked truly confused and walking up to them.

"You know – Meg."

Erik blinked.

"Meg Giry."

Erik blinked again.

"Madame Giry's daughter."

"Is she the blonde one who's always creeping around?"

"What are you talking about?" Another fan shouted, "Erik and Raoul are clearly meant to be."

Both guys visibly baulked and looked warily at the other one. Raoul was looking scared and Erik just looked plain furious.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"

"Why not?"

"Why…why not?" Erik spluttered. "I hate him!"

"The feeling's mutual," Raoul spat back.

"Are you sure? I think you should prove it."

"Gosh," Erik said sarcastically, "I thought the repeated murder attempts were a dead giveaway!"

"You're all nuts," a fourth person shouted. "I should get together with Erik." They tossed their hair.

"Don't I get a say in this?" Erik asked.

"NO!" Several voices shouted back.

Erik stood in a miffed silence for a few moments while the argument raged around him. Suddenly a piece of paper was thrust into his hands.

"Read this."

With a look of confusions Erik glanced down at the paper, then heaved a deep sigh of resignation.

"Christine," he read, "I think you're so sexy and hot and…" he trailed off, his eyes flicking over the rest of the script. "What is this?"

"Keep reading," the girl said threateningly.

"I'm not reading this rubbish! Why would I say anything like it?"

Raoul was looking angry.

"What were you saying about my fiancée?"

"Fiancee? You still haven't married her yet?"

"No. Because I secretly love Erik." Christine clapped her hands over her mouth. "I'm sorry Raoul. I don't know where that came from."

"How did you know my name was Erik? I didn't tell you."

"They told me," she half sobbed pointing at the fan girls.

"How did they know?"

"Regardless," Raoul started to say, but was cut off in mid flow by a script being shoved under his nose. "Erik you are a butthead and you're really smelly too," he read.

Erik snarled and reached for his sword. "Care to take that back."

Raoul read the next line, "No."

"Very well then! We shall fight!"

"Yay!" The fangirls (who had gathered around en masse) cheered. A couple of them smiled secretly to themselves.

"En gardé," Erik cried and pulled out…a plain metal handle. He stared at it in confusion.

"Push the button!" Someone yelled.

Cautiously Erik did so and a beam of light shot out. He dropped it as if it'd burned him.

"What the…?"

Raoul reached for his sword and pulled out…a haddock?!?!

"Huh? Why have I got this?"

"Ha ha ha!" the two sly fan girls taunted, "now you can't cheat like you did in the last fight!"

"You fools!" another yelled from the crowd, "Erik's scared of Haddocks!"

This made Erik look up sharply from prodding the light sabre.

"Since when?" he demanded.

No one replied.

"I asked since when," he repeated dangerously.

The one who had spoken stepped forward.

"Well, you don't like to talk about it, but ever since you were little because your mum used to lock you in a room full of them when you were naughty…"

Erik was staring at her in disbelief. Finally he shook himself – turned off the light sabre and knocked Raoul out with it.

"Now use the light sabre to cook the Haddock," someone yelled.

"Why?" Erik gasped in exasperation.

"Because it would be a witty thing to do."

Erik shook his head and stashed the light sabre in his belt.

"Ooooh!" A fan girl ran out from the crowd. "My darling Erik! Are you injured from the fight?"

"No."

"But you must be! Then I can nurse you back to health."

"Well I'm not."

"A stab wound?"

"No."

"A scratch?"

"I'm not hurt."

"Not even a paper cut?"

Erik's patience finally snapped (it would be prudent to note here that the only reason it hadn't snapped ages ago was due to the author holding it in check but even she couldn't hold it forever). With a snarl he brought out the light sabre and switched it on, swinging it next to him.

"If anyone comes within five metres of me I'll carve him or her, _especially_ her, up." He backed out of the room. "And nobody better follow me."

He vanished through a door.

The characters left all stood in the middle of the hall looking around.

"Are any of the rest of you sick of Erik not falling in love with us?" one asked.

"Yeah!" they all yelled simultaneously.

"I mean we can write these stories if we want to!" another shouted.

"Precisely," they agreed.

"So who's to blame?"

One of them looked around the room slowly before pointing to a balcony. "Her! Up there! Look!"

The author's face drained of colour.

"Oh dear," she muttered, meeting the eyes of the angry fans.

"Get her!" They shrieked.

However, with one quick motion, the author leapt off the balcony and grabbed the chandelier.

"Nah nah!" she taunted. "Can't get me here."

A movement caught her eye. Erik was lurking in the shadows by the rope that held the chandelier.

"Erik – old buddy – old pal," the author stuttered.

Erik cracked his knuckles. "You're the one who put all these people up to bothering me."

The author grinned nervously. "No hard feelings, ay?"

Erik answered by cutting the rope.

The chandelier crashed to the floor, sending up plumes of dust.

The author crawled from the wreckage, hacking, only to find herself at the feet of the girls.

"Oh dear."

"Get her!" they screamed and the author was lost under the attacking bodies.

Erik nodded and slunk from the room – finally rid of the bother.


End file.
